Going Crazy

Lately, in all my dreams, Jordan and I aren't married yet. He's still my boyfriend and we don't even live together. I think it must be because he's gone eight weeks out of every ten. (Gee, ya think?!)

Also due to his lengthy absences, I have suffered a new fit of spider-hating, as I am now responsible for more spider husbandry. This means other kinds of dreams. Bad dreams.

One night I dreamed that I woke up and found that the stripey spider, Shere Khan, had grown to about 15 inches, and had a fat, fat abdomen, maybe the size of a nerf football. He was essentially taking up all the space in his enclosure. Well this was terrifying to say the least. And then? Then? Then all the other spiders were freaking out because they sensed the presence of this megaspider. They were climbing the walls and trying to get out of any small hole or crack in their enclosures.

So I call Jordan (my boyfriend) to ask him to come do something about it. And he tells me he can't because he's out of state. (Duh.) And I ask him can't he keep the spiders at his apartment from now on? And he tells me he can't. He's between apartments right now. And its all very frustrating and scary and unpleasant and I wake up feeling relatively uneasy.

By that evening, of course, all this angst has melted away and I'm enjoying my nightly routine with the dog and the dinner and the dishes. Then remembering my dream I think maybe I should check on the spiders, I haven't been paying them much attention. And what do I find? WHAT DO I FIND? I find Archimedes (our future giant) trying desperately to shove himself through the mesh screen of one of his air holes. Impossible, of course, but I don't believe spiders have tremendous problem-solving skills. Still, the image really bothers me, one of the spiders actually trying to escape.

The next morning, I check on him (just to make sure he hasn't fit his enormous body through that small hole) and find that he CHEWED HIS WAY THROUGH the mesh screen. METAL mesh. CHEWED THROUGH. Am I making myself clear? Spider used fangs to destroy metal. Holy shit. I mean, he must have REALLY wanted to get out. Fortunately, as I mentioned, his body is way to big to fit through the hole. BUT STILL!!

And of course that night on the phone Jordan tells me to keep an eye on him because, you know, you never know what a creature like that is capable of. Maybe his abdomen is more flexible than we think. THANKS JORDAN! I won't go into the rest of the dreams I had that week. Because I want at least a couple of you to continue to visit me. Please. Don't leave me alone with these things.